I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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