Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
