I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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