This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
