then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
