did you get engaged???
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude i'm inner monologue high
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
