Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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