did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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