I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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