yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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