I accidentally had phone sex last night
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
