Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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