Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
