I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
