There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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