I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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