Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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