just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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