Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
