I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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