NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How does one acquire holy water?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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