quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
