I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
