This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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