and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You can't special order awesome
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
