I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In other news, I just burned my penis
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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