Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
