Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
