I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
