she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize