she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
