nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
