my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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