It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
