i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
