i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
