after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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