Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
