I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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