go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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