I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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