he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
