Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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