I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize