i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
