I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
