I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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