WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize