I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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