My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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