When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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