Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
