idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
