I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
