Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
