Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize