in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
