I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
