I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
