So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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