My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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