Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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